The Road is Rough
The lie in the mirror. Young forever. Until circumstance interrupts the lovely delusion. There are many events that can shake a person awake and aware that the road is rough and life changes. A hard lesson. One moment I’m healthy and able to embrace and endure any task, and then suddenly I’m old and wondering if I can do much at all.
The past year has provided more than a few opportunities for personal growth and acceptance as my body ceased to serve as I have demanded. The hard lesson, as time passes things change.
I’ve not ridden the Vespa much this winter. The cold bites harder than it once did and I can’t seem to fend off its effect. The cold, snowy rides of the past seem almost within reach.
I’m not the man I once was.
You Can’t Hide.
Delusion and denial, wonderful tools that support insane behavior and allow me to hide from the reality of a change in strength, health and endurance. Just to name a few. At times the loss seems relentless and everywhere. I can avoid thinking about it, pretend nothing has changed, employ tricks and technology to surmount limits, but always I find myself back at the beginning — things have changed.
A hard lesson.
Into Each Life a Little Rain Must Fall.
I envy those people who enter their seventies, eighties and nineties seemingly unaffected by the march of time. Their bodies biologically programmed to endure and perform. One can only guess at the function of their mind and spirit. There’s little profit for me to long to be them or covet their gifts. The march of life just delivers surprises and cloudy days. Sometimes it rains.
Or worse.
During the past year I’ve had to accept that my spine has degenerated and will potentially change my abilities without warning. The neglect I’ve shown to my physical self has transformed into a daily evaluation of function and action. At the end of the day, I’m wrestling with the inevitable changes. Denial had me thinking they were a decade or more away. Delusion had me thinking they would pass.
It was twenty degrees this morning and the sun was shining. In past winters I would have gone for a ride. Not so today. Until I acquire some sort of electric heat to my feet I’ll be careful to venture out.
I hate having to worry about this. I hate the hard lesson of growing older.
For those reading, perhaps for the first time, my apologies for the gloomy thoughts. If I could get out on the scooter everything would be different…
Hey Steve,
I’m a long time reader, but rarely comment. What lesson would you pass down to the younger crowd?
Also, I’m planning a trip to Canada this year that will take me somewhat near your neck of the woods. I’d love to grab coffee.
Peace,
Scotty
That’s an interesting question Scotty. I’ll have to think about what I might suggest to younger riders. I guess, in part, much depends on what you consider younger. 45? 30? 16? Seems they are worlds apart.
Anyways, it may make for a good blog post topic.
Seek new boundaries…
Mother nature’s shock collar be damned.
You probably did that when you rebuilt your photo lab.
New edges….new boundaries….pushem!
Sometimes the shock is pretty intense. I’m taking your advice though and pushing past the mental limitations I’ve created the past few months. Planning to ride to work this morning. It’s 30F right now, a temperature I would not have thought twice about in the past. Now I have to push myself past the “it’s too cold” thoughts that want to overwhelm!
In the last couple of days I heard that people that spend time around others nude are generally happier. I am assuming it has something to do with not being able to hide our flaws.
I come from a line of people that tend to live into there 90’s, somehow I don’t think I will be one of them. My father died at the relatively young age of 80, after a very brief acquaintance with cancer. A month before his death he was in Hawaii, 3 months before driving all over the western half of the country. He was a man that didn’t know how to relax. It is the one way I am not like him.
Along the nude lines — I’ve heard clothes are how we determine a hierarchy of power. If everyone was nude how would we know who’s important???
I find solace in the generally long lives of most of my family save for the men who worked in coal mines, were heavy smokers and died of lung cancer. Still, there are no guarantees. I try to live today but man it’s so easy to get lost.
Our physical body ages; the balance of our existence does not.
Trust today at Saints Cafe was OK.
That must be why when I look in the mirror I’m still young. I’m not seeing my physical self; I’m seeing a construction of who I think I am. That doesn’t age. Or at least so far it hasn’t.
Great time at Saint’s yesterday. Shared new prints with Paul, took some pictures of the cafe crowd, and had a nice cold ride on the Vespa. A perfect morning.
Just read some research which says that inactivity is the primary cause of aging. So, if that’s true, it means to me that we should make every effort to keep doing as much as we can, for as long as we can — it’s when we STOP doing, that we will find we no longer CAN do. Sure, time will impose some limits on these fragile bodies which we cannot ignore — but we for sure shouldn’t take those as a reason to just give up and stop doing everything! I hope you can find ways to keep doing as many of the things you love as possible!
I absolutely agree with you. Get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and keep on going. I’ve seen living examples of what you’ve said. Not sure what allows some to do things and others not. Always hard to know what the physical limitations of others really are and it’s so easy to judge. But I’ve experienced first hand now that I can look, sound and sort of move perfectly normally. But at the same time my back has imposed absolute limits of movement and behavior that could easily be interpreted as “lazy”. So I try not to judge and not push others unless they open the door to it.
I’ll heed your advice though to keep doing as many of the things I love as possible!
Steve;
It’s somewhat ironic that this post came when it did. One day less than two weeks ago I was happily putting around the countryside on my KLR650…a beautiful day and a very enjoyable ride. Within a few hours of that uneventful ride my back muscles went into spasm and pain seized my left hip (my “kickstand leg” side).
After several visits to the Dr. I feel better, but I am very fearful of “getting back on the horse,” so to speak.
Today was a beautiful day to ride, but I didn’t go near the KLR. Very unhappy about that.
You and I are only a few years apart, so I know very well about what thou speaketh.
Steel,
Those muscle spasms that affect joints like you describe are the worse. For me they leave me feeling weak and vulnerable. Having those issues would make dealing with a tall bike like the KLR a special nightmare. I had the same challenges with the Vespa which is far less challenging to get on and off. I ended up having to just wait. Patience, especially when I’m seeing riding opportunities, isn’t one of my better virtues.
Take care of yourself and hopefully your future posts will detail your riding adventures.
This is beautifully written, and heartbreaking. I hope that you can continue to enjoy what you love, even if only when it is warmer.
Thank you for your kind words. Even though it’s cold this morning I’m going to push myself out the door on the Vespa. The only thing standing in my way today is my brain…
It’s not too late Steve. Sitting bolt upright on a scooter with little suspension travel has taken its toll. The day has come to buy that Dual Purpose or ADV bike. It was well done but a good bike will have all the electrics to handle heated riding gear and suspension to cushion that fragile spine. Have you looked into a kidney belt yet?
Sitting on the Vespa, bolt upright, seems to be the best I feel of any position. Not a single ding or twinge. I’m able to extend upward while riding and found things comfortable. What causes problems — a sneeze. That is dangerous stuff for my back. And walking through our garden with the dogs on uneven ground. If I judge something wrong and come down hard — yikes. But riding the Vespa isn’t much of an issue right now in terms of my back. The ride of the Vespa is pretty plush. The only times it’s been harsh is riding off the pavement on some rock encrusted forest roads. But I can stay away from that for awhile, or go slower.
I’ve looked at kidney belts and have it on a list. It’s will get here for the season for longer rides appear. Just purchased heated insoles on Saturday. Those should keep my feet warm…
Cher Steve,
Si tu veux, tu peux et si tu peux, tu dois…
A l’impossible nul n’est tenu (proverbe français), de plus, tu n’es pas vieux juste fatigué comme je te l’avais déjà dit. Ne te prive de ce que tu aimes car le moral c’est le meilleur des médicaments.
Bonne journée à toi.
Dear Steve,
If you want, you can and if you can, you must …
To the impossible no one is held (French proverb), moreover, you are not old just tired as I told you before. Do not deprive yourself of what you like because morale is the best medicine.
Good day to you.
Thank you Laurent. I must ride today. And that ride will brighten my morale. Good medicine.